Christmas is almost over.

Christmas has not felt right for myself for several years now. More so my feelings of dread and disappointment grow greater every year. Something is missing and something is there nagging at my heart pulling me away from what should be somewhat of a happy time of the year. Could it be the Christmas blues? Maybe. Could it be I am not happy with those that willing continue to ungratefully use those that only want to help them? Definitely a possibility. Could it be that there is nothing I want, that nothing anyone could potentially give me that can fill the emptiness I feel in my heart. I was asked to provide a Christmas list, a list of things that I could open on Christmas Day. I wrote a list filled with the unpractical, expensive junk in the attempt to appease. I wrote down a list of stuff that I really didn't want in the hopes of not getting anything on the list. It was painfully to ask for anything. But the status quo must be met and there should be something under for me. The other day I got up the courage to say, "what you would spend on me just give it to someone that really needs a Christmas." I wish I was taken seriously.


So now I have to wait just a few more days. I will have to bear the unbelievable pain of Christmas morning. I will put on a smile to hide my indifference and I will have to lie and pretended as if it was what i wanted all along (I revised this statement because i didn't express what i wanted to say properly. I am grateful for all that I have ever been given. I just do not feel the joy of recieving gifts. I will see the faces of those that will demand more while will I wish for nothing. I wish I could be happy for Christmas, but all I truly want to do is hide in my room and hope the holidays past quickly.

In my Fathers words.

At the very  most I know some personal things about my Father. He is a private person that really only shares his feelings with one person, my mom. Reposted is his personal experience from his time in the United States Army. I can only remember small details of the event he briefly wrote about. It was is responce to an email explaining the folding of the United States flag for our fallen War fighters.

Please let me share a experience from my military service My 21 years in the Army saved my life and I'm grateful for that. However, freedom isn't free. Those who have served in the military and given their lives are our american hero's. While still on active duty I was assigned as a casually assistance officer with the unfortunate assignment of notifying a family from Dearborn that their 19 year old son was killed in a training exercise at Ft Carson, CO. Three young ordinance specialist went down range to dismantle a explosive device. No sooner did they begin to dismantle the device it exploded killing all three instantly. Part of my assignment was to meet the flagged draped coffin at the airport with a Chaplain and the family. With-in my instructions I was told that the coffin was to remain closed for obvious reasons. Trying to explain this to a grieving mother was no easy task. Fortunately the father had been in the military during Vietnam and knew what was in that coffin or should I say what was still remaining of their 19 year old son. This isn't about me its about the next time you see a flagged draped coffin pay tribute to that War Fighter. They are our hero's and those soldiers that fold that flag take great pride, respect and the honor that War Fighter and their family. ~Donald Coda Casteel Sr. 2010


Meaning of Flag Draped Coffin ________________________________ Meaning of Flag Draped Coffin All Americans should be given this lesson. Those who think that America is an arrogant nation should really reconsider that thought. Our founding fathers used GOD's word and teachings to establish our Great Nation and I think it's high time Americans get re-educated about this Nation's history. Pass it along and be proud of the country we live in and even more proud of those who serve to protect our 'GOD GIVEN' rights and freedoms. I hope you take the time to read this ... To understand what the flag draped coffin really means ... Here is how to understand the flag that laid upon it and is surrendered to so many widows and widowers. Do you know that at military funerals, the 21-gun salute stands for the sum of the numbers in the year 1776? Have you ever noticed the honor guard pays meticulous attention to correctly folding the United States of America Flag 13 times? You probably thought it was to symbolize the original 13 colonies, but we learn something new every day! The 1st fold of the flag is a symbol of life. The 2ndfold is a symbol of the belief in eternal life. The 3rd fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing the ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of the country to attain peace throughout the world. The 4th fold represents the weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance. The 5th fold is a tribute to the country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, 'Our Country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong.' The 6th fold is for where people's hearts lie. It is with their heart that they pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States Of America , and the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all. The 7th fold is a tribute to its Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that they protect their country and their flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of their republic. The 8th fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day. The 9th fold is a tribute to womanhood, and Mothers. For it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded. The 10th fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of their country since they were first born. The 11th fold represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies in the Hebrews eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The 12th fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in the Christians eyes, God the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit. The 13th fold, or when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding them of their nations motto, 'In God We Trust.' After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington, and the Sailors and Marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones, who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for them the rights, privileges and freedoms they enjoy today. There are some traditions and ways of doing things that have deep meaning. In the future, you'll see flags folded and now you will know why. Share this with the children you love and all others who love what is referred to, the symbol of ' Liberty and Freedom.' MAYBE THE SUPREME COURT SHOULD READ THIS EXPLANATION BEFORE THEY RENDER THEIR DECISION ON THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE. FORWARD IT; MAYBE SOMEONE WITH THE NECESSARY POWER, OR POLITICAL AND FINANCIAL INFLUENCE, WILL GET IT TO THEM. IN THE MEANTIME, MAY GOD PROTECT US ALWAYS. ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL. If you agree, Pass it along to others.................If not, hit delete.................. Our Soldiers have preserved your right to make this choice!

Clean out the brain.

Blurry shadows press upon the melancholy mind.

Happy thoughts disgrace themselves with twisted misbegotten memories.
Pain feigns its true intent then waders off to an easier target.
No feeling to be had, nothing to be undone, the unrelenting feeling of nothingness.
A pit of unknowing. It sits there in my belly, doing nothing.

Doing something.

Making me weak, making me tired . Making me doubt myself when I should be proud.
All that had been done gone unnoticed. To be minimized by those less than me. different than me.

More valuable than me?

While I may be less than, I will fight to me more than. Fight the nothing, Fight the substandard. I will use the opportunity to not look back, but only for moment to laugh and say I win not you. Your unwise choices will no longer hurt me, limit me, distort me. You'll see when you will need me I will not be there and the more valued , the different, the less than will not be able to help you. I hope so I know so.

I feel better now. Oh and by the way Fuck you...

All Soul’s Day Prayer

The past two years have been difficult to say the least for the family. There is a feeling in my heart that this year Hallows Even, All Saints (All Hallows Day), All Souls should be acknowledged with great reverence. And so the reluctant Catholic wrote a prayer to ease my own spirit. In memory of the departed
Celebrate the fall harvest on Oct 31, Pray to the Saints on Nov 1, and simply remember the Souls on Nov 2.

All Soul’s Day Prayer
It is on this day of All Soul’s that we offer to you our prayers for the dearly departed.
Forgive their transgressions and foibles.
For humanity is merely clay that must be knead with faith, it must be molded with charity, and tempered with hope.
Let those departed be warmed by your radiance and know the grace of your gift of peace.

Moments of Living Dangerously Part 2

Recently I have had the joyous feeling of feeling so sick that I ended up in the ER with a morphine drip.


I can clearly remember the events that lead up two the past couple of weeks. I had awaked Sunday morning in which I had about 3 hours of sleep. I felt blah! Not good. Not bad. Just blah. I then went with my Dad and grandfather to a black powder shoot. I pretty much sat there as the smell of sulfurous black powder filled my senses. It’s a smell one come an accustomed to, again it didn't make me ill, but I sure as hell wasn't happy to be smelling that smell again.


Just fast forward a few hours the same day. It was dinner time and my sister had made roast lamb for the family. By that time I was feeling like shit place in a zip lock bag and ran over by a semi then scraped up by some road crew and thrown in an incinerator. My only saving grace was that Monday was Columbus Day and I did not have to go to work. So I spent that Monday in bed. Followed by that Tuesday in bed. By Wednesday morning I was feeling so bad that I knew I had to go to the ER and get some help. But being the ever devote to my job I took my sick ass to work at 4am that morning and worked till 6am. I then undocked my laptop and headed to the ER. I was having pains that were representative of having a gall bladder attack. Upper right side of my belly. I felt that there was a growing sphere that was pushing its way out of my body. I want to take a sharp object and pop myself. After a 100 dollar ER co pay, an ultrasound, a CT, some pills, and an afternoon wasted I was able to go home. But first I had to schedule a HIDA scan. This for those who don’t know it is the definitive answer to any potential gall bladder problems.


Luck for my sick ass I was able to get the test the following day. As I tell my family of my plight I am informed the HIDA scan sucks major ass. For the most part this is true. The test takes about 2-4 hours depending how your body reacts to the radioactive dye. I was luck it only took me about an hour forty-five minutes of sleeping on a table while they made me glow. As matter of fact the test wasn't so bad. This was for two reasons. I was already feeling crappy from the previous day, and the tech had speared my arm and blew out the vein. My arm ached for two days because fall out GQ Boy stuck me like a Christmas pig.


Fast forward to a week later. I am at my family doctor to get my test results. This is only after I have been yelled at by my family to go to a specialist rather than my internist. WELP! The family doctor walks in as the first thing he says it’s not my gall bladder. So after two weeks of being in gut wrenching pain it might be an ulcer rather than the gall bladder. Joy! No one knows what the fuck it going on!


I am still sore in the spot that would indicate a gall bladder problem. But I am also still sore in the spot where it would be my stomach. All I can do at this point is take the Nexium knockoff and hope it is nothing like Khorn’s or worse. Here is to modern medicine. You gave me some pills for my heartburn and tummy pain but I do not feel any better!

Reposts.

Before these poorly written gems are lost to the digital archives of another database I pulled them to here. Hell its not like anyone is reading anyway.

Love


In this bed we first shared one another.
And in this bed I held you closely on cold winter nights.
In this bed we started a family.
And in this bed you made all my fears seem so small.
With each kiss and caress my love for you grows stronger.
But in this bed tonight something seems not quite just right.
As sure as ever your there to make things better.
With chicken soup and tea with honey.

Slow to Love


Sweet is the bliss that one-day dreams come true.
Long are the moments in which my desires for an answer.
One tear is the promise to which your heart is pledge.
With patience and consideration the gift is given.
To those that love, a gift is given freely.
Onward without fear they walk as one.
Long in the life of wisdom and courage they walk as one.
Owe none but to each other's heart.
Valiant they stand in strife and sorrow.
Ever the one they grow old till time itself fades.
Slow to Love one may be, but forever in Love the two shall.

The seats edge


I sit here in my loneliness,
staring into the cool gray sky of winter.
I say a prayer in the attempt for some
divine relief of my sorrow.
Yet I feel no different.
No lights, no angels,
no trumpets sound from a high.
Might I take this seat tomorrow in the
cool gray sky of winter?
I sit.

The Ballet of Fire


The embers glowed with passionate crimsons
and sweet oranges, as the campfire shimmered
in the chilled autumn air. Joyful flames
leapt from the fire cracking and fizzing as
they childishly played. The warming smells
of seasoned pines and of aged oaks blanket
the camp as it reminds you of love and youth
once forgotten. Flickering shadows dances
across your face as random sparks of light
fill your tender eyes. The ballet of shadows
and lights calms the spirit and moves the
soul. In its splendor your loving beauty
outshines all, awestruck are all by its grace.

Walking Tall

Today I used my legs.  I stood up, said what needed to be said, and now I am moving on.  Things have changed and things remain the same.

Sad words spoken from the silence only brings grief.  No happiness is gained, no new beginnings started, just the conclusion of sparse interludes that for a moment brought some joy.  I am defeated but the battle is not lost, I have failed but will not quit. What was thought to be right was only temporary.  What was had was during the manic times.  Everything seemed to be well. But the manic times are not the real times.  They are the short times in which one part of me is well while the rest ponders in pain.

The darkness is back again.  I had felt it creeping in and I welcome it with arms open.  I can live with the small part of me being sad.  It is easier this way. I work better this way. I think better this way. I feel better this way.  Let me have my small unresolved heart.  Let me be without the messiness of happy emotions.

Things have changed today, and some remain the same.  Today I used my legs.  I stood up, said what needed to be said, and now I am moving on.

Moments of living dangerously.

Have you ever had the experience in which you really have to poop but you can't. Instead it just sits in your lower intestines, growing like some stepchild unwilling to do what you ask of it. Then finally the time comes; and of course it is the worse time to happen. At work!


So then you head for the public bathroom! Stricken by abdominal pains you get to pot without making it clear to your co-workers you are about to take a shit. With mere seconds you disrobe and like a king to his throne you go to work. But there is a problem......

The unwilling second party that is now turtling has hardened and is coming to the party. You think all I have to do is breath and push. Hell it works for giving birth why not for this. So you push and push and thus the log begins its journey. The problem is that it keeps coming. You try to Pinch it, but that is not gonna happen. So as you brace for the ride you keep pushing. But your forget that you are now holding your breath.......

And as you push you get dizzy and light headed!!!!!! You realize oh shit am about to pass out while I am taking a shit! You pray to God, "Dear God don't let them find me with a turf sticking out of my ass. You panic and breath, but leaves you mid push exposed with a tree trunk stuck in your ass. You feel like you are about to be torn in half. You suck up the pain and continue to push; this time doing your TV Lamaze. You finally beyond all reason pass your waste. You are sweating and tired. .

.. And that was how my day was. Good story.

To explain. The events of this story did not take place today. The story is a mere metaphor of how the day went. Big things happening and all you can do is breath and get through the day.

Snow Wars

So swift the night wind blows as falling snowflakes brush my nose.
The noisy silence of the dancing snow is interrupted by the scraping of shovels.
Cleared pathways are express lanes for those that are lightly clothed.
They smile and wave as they rush by to get to the warmth.
I wave back and continue my work; listening to the snow falling.


Pushing, pulling, twist and lifting as the piles grow.
Up the street, down the street section one clear.
Pushing, pulling, twist and lifting as the piles grow larger.
Turn the corner, up the street, down the street section two clear.
Bundled fingers fish pockets for keys beep beep engines start remotely.
Now the ballet begins, SUV’s, minivans, and jeeps roll down the driveway.
Pushing, pulling, twist and lifting as the piles grow into mounds.
The driveway and walkway is done, section three is clear.


As I stand there in great relief, the feeling of being done is only brief.
They snow you see has is far from done, it sends be back to section one.
Damn Snow!

Words

Cold words without thought spoken casually.
Hot words with anger spoken casually.

Barbs thrown, wars started, communication breakdown.
Both sides don't get it.
Both sides have been wronged, both sides are in the right.
Both sides don't get it.

It is easier to say your own words than listen to the words of others.
It is easier to claim victory than to admit that you might have been wrong.

Barbs thrown, wars started, communication breakdown.
Both sides don't get it.
Both sides have been wronged, both sides are in the right.
Both sides don't get it.

Maybe things are better left undone, maybe things are better left unsaid.
Rather than saying what we feel, we accept the feelings of others, even if we feel they are flawed.

In the Shadow of the Moon

Who sits in the Shadow of the Universe?
The one sits in the shadow of the universe.
It sits and waits and contemplates.
It fantasizes of a place without you or and me.


Who sits in the Shadow of the Sun?
The son sits in the shadow of the sun,
He sits and waits and calculates.
He fantasizes of the day when all is undone and man becomes one.


Who sits in the shadow of the moon?
The devil sits in the shadow of the moon,
He sits and waits and masturbates.
He fantasizes of all the evil he will do to me and you.


Who sits in this place?
I sit in this place trying to understand the universe, sun, and moon.
I sit and wait and evaluate.
I fantasize of simple wishes and songs, of art and sex, of wars and peace.


It is strange, one that controls so little thinks so much.

A thought on a thought

The good thing about thinking about committing suicide is that it's a thought not acted upon.......

....There is a darkness that lives in us all. Some are the lucky ones and rarely have to deal with it.
Some are consumed by the darkness.
And some willingly embrace it.
I use mine as a film projector that allows me to play scenarios of what if's and wanton wishes.
So sweet have the thoughts of cold silence been as of late.
Opportunities that present themselves pass like a second hand on an ancient watch.
This way, that way and it's done. Though unwound tick tick tick, it's not complete.
It's the after I dare not think about.
It is the after that reason pulls me from my darkness.
It is the after that I truly fear to fail.
So I let go of my darkness, I let it creep back to its place till next time.
Maybe next time, maybe the after won't come and the darkness with get to stay, but then all is undone no time to play.

The typical Atypical New Year Resolution Blog

As promised I decided that I would make the attempt to start writing again on a regular basis. This of course would imply that some people other than myself feel that I have any talent to do such. Well other than family I personally I still do not believe people really care what I might have to say. I guess as I pour the contents of my brain to the this electronic piece of paper I will see what kind of reaction I get, if any at all.




So now to the Resolution part of this message. It is not so much one thing but a series of changes that I selfishly wish to change about myself.



1. Last year for six weeks I worked my ass off, ate well, and lost about 22 pounds. Of course I got lazy again, work got really busy, and I put the weight back on for the most part. I felt better, I looked better, for the most part I was happy. So why not doing something the is so obviously easy to change? Dunno maybe because I am stubborn, hard head person like everyone else in my life and family. Oh yeah you know who you are. So back to the 72oz of water a day, the Iced tea, reasonable food intake, and of course being more active.



2. This leads to the next resolution /cry no more pop, soda, whatever. Well a revision, 1 liter a week. which is a little less than 3- 12oz cans of pop a week. Baby Steps ....Baby Steps. Next no fast food. Easy as pie.



3. I plan not to learn just one language but two. Arabic and French. Why? Because I can.



4. I got a camera for Christmas and I intend to use it as source of writing material as well as a photographic medium. So sometimes there will be a photo that will accompany with written material. As a rule for myself one photo per post. Rejects, extra, and other I will post up on flicker or photobucket. I am not sure just yet.



5. I am going to write! Short, long, poems, songs (although I have never written one gonna try)



6. In some sense I have become my Grandfather. I remember as a kid whenever we went to see my mom's parents her father he would always be upstairs away from the craziness of the family. I have done the same. I have closed myself away from the world, my life, and my family. As much as I like the solitude, there is more of the world I want to see and it starts by leaving this room and seeing it again.



7. Lastly just two classes to finish the degree. If I ever use it or not I want to finish it.



And that is it. Lets see where this year takes me.