Christmas is almost over.

Christmas has not felt right for myself for several years now. More so my feelings of dread and disappointment grow greater every year. Something is missing and something is there nagging at my heart pulling me away from what should be somewhat of a happy time of the year. Could it be the Christmas blues? Maybe. Could it be I am not happy with those that willing continue to ungratefully use those that only want to help them? Definitely a possibility. Could it be that there is nothing I want, that nothing anyone could potentially give me that can fill the emptiness I feel in my heart. I was asked to provide a Christmas list, a list of things that I could open on Christmas Day. I wrote a list filled with the unpractical, expensive junk in the attempt to appease. I wrote down a list of stuff that I really didn't want in the hopes of not getting anything on the list. It was painfully to ask for anything. But the status quo must be met and there should be something under for me. The other day I got up the courage to say, "what you would spend on me just give it to someone that really needs a Christmas." I wish I was taken seriously.


So now I have to wait just a few more days. I will have to bear the unbelievable pain of Christmas morning. I will put on a smile to hide my indifference and I will have to lie and pretended as if it was what i wanted all along (I revised this statement because i didn't express what i wanted to say properly. I am grateful for all that I have ever been given. I just do not feel the joy of recieving gifts. I will see the faces of those that will demand more while will I wish for nothing. I wish I could be happy for Christmas, but all I truly want to do is hide in my room and hope the holidays past quickly.